Bumper Snickers

I saw this the other day and it made me laugh.

Almost as much as this one.

Son of A

It is hard to find a joke today without a dirty word or two in it, but here is one:

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods.

A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, 'Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.

The birch says, 'Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?'

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, 'It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch.  It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into.

Now wipe that smile off your face..

Thanks L.
BBB

Lost In Theory

Lost is coming to an end Sunday evening and people seem to be pretty worked up about it.  As much as I love science fiction and fantasy, I started missing episodes in the second season and haven't watched an episode since the beginning of the third season.  Unlike 24 I wasn't drawn back into the drama and basically read the spoilers if I have nothing else to do.

That being said, here is my favorite theory (from a mind other than my own) about the show.

It will turn out that they've been living one island over from Gilligan the whole time and all of this was just the Professor playing mind games using his coconut powered reality distorter.

May the force be with the fans and may they find the answers they are seeking.

BBB

Too Good Not To Post

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

BBB

After Receiving One Too Many

BBB

Sunday Afternoon Humor

I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to note pads. Well, in my book, this one should get the prize....

Happy Valentine's Day!

You Know You're Old

If you get all of them correct. Which, unfortunately, I did. Oh well, at least I'm not average.

This is NOT a pushover test. There are 20 questions. Average score is 12. Have fun, but no peeking!

1. What builds strong bodies 12 ways?

A. Flintstones vitamins
B. The Buttmaster
C. Spaghetti
D. Wonder Bread
E. Orange Juice
F. Milk
G. Cod Liver Oil

2. Before he was Muhammed Ali, he was...

A. Sugar Ray Robinson
B. Roy Orbison
C. Gene Autry
D. Rudolph Valentino
E. Fabian
F. Mickey Mantle
G. Cassius Clay


3. Pogo, the comic strip character said, 'We have met the enemy and...

A. It's you
B. He is us
C. It's the Grinch
D. He wasn't home
E. He's really mean
F. We quit
G. He surrendered

4. Good night David.

A. Good night Chet
B. Sleep well
C. Good night Irene
D. Good night Gracie
E. See you later alligator
F. Until tomorrow
G. Good night Steve

5. You'll wonder where the yellow went...

A. When you use Tide
B. When you lose your crayons
C. When you clean your tub
D. If you paint the room blue
E. If you buy a soft water tank
F. When you use Lady Clairol
G. When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent

6. Before he was the Skipper's Little Buddy, Bob Denver was Dobie's friend...

A. Stuart Whitman
B. Randolph Scott
C. Steve Reeves
D. Maynard G. Krebbs
E. Corky B.Dork
F. Dave the Whale
G. Zippy Zoo

7. Liar, liar....

A. You're a liar
B. Your nose is growing
C. Pants on fire
D. Join the choir
E. Jump up higher
F. On the wire
G. I'm telling Mom

8. Meanwhile, back in Metropolis, Superman fights a never ending battle for truth, justice and....

A. Wheaties
B. Lois Lane
C. TV ratings
D. World peace
E. Red tights
F. The American way
G. News headlines

9. Hey kids! What time is it?

A. It's time for Yogi Bear
B. It's time to do your homework
C. It's Howdy Doody Time
D. It's Time for Romper Room
E. It's bedtime
F. The Mighty Mouse Hour
G. Scooby Doo Time

10. Lions and tigers and bears...

A. Yikes
B. Oh no
C. Gee whiz
D. I'm scared
E.. Oh my
F. Help! Help!
G. Let's run


11. Bob Dylan advised us never to trust anyone...

A. Over 40
B. Wearing a uniform
C. Carrying a briefcase
D. Over 30
E. You don't know
F. Who says, 'Trust me'
G. Who eats tofu

12. NFL quarterback who appeared in a television commercial wearing women's stockings...

A. Troy Aikman
B. Kenny Stabler
C. Joe Namath
D. Roger Staubach
E. Joe Montana
F. Steve Young
G. John Elway

13. Brylcream...

A. Smear it on
B. You'll smell great
C. Tame that cowlick
D. Grease ball heaven
E. It's a dream
F. We're your team
G. A little dab'll do ya

14. I found my thrill...

A. In Blueberry muffins
B. With my man, Bill
C. Down at the mill
D. Over the windowsill
E. With thyme and dill
F. Too late to enjoy
G. On Blueberry Hill

15. Before Robin Williams, Peter Pan was played by...

A. Clark Gable
B. Mary Martin
C. Doris Day
D. Errol Flynn
E. Sally Field
F. Jim Carey
G. Jay Leno

16. Name the Beatles...

A. John, Steve, George, Ringo
B. John, Paul, George, Roscoe
C. John, Paul, Stacey, Ringo
D. Jay, Paul, George, Ringo
E. Lewis, Peter, George, Ringo
F. Jason, Betty, Skipper, Hazel
G. John, Paul, George, Ringo

17. I wonder, wonder, who.

A. Who ate the leftovers?
B. Who did the laundry?
C. Was it you?
D. Who wrote the book of love?
E. Who I am?
F. Passed the test?
G. Knocked on the door?

18. I'm strong to the finish...

A. Cause I eats my broccoli
B. Cause I eats me spinach
C. Cause I lift weights
D. Cause I'm the hero
E. And don't you forget it
F. Cause Olive Oyl loves me
G. To outlast Bruto

19. When it's least expected, you're elected, you're the star today

A. Smile, you're on Candid Camera
B. Smile, you're on Star Search
C. Smile, you won the lottery
D. Smile, we're watching you
E. Smile, the world sees you
F. Smile, you're a hit
G. Smile, you're on TV


20. What do M & M's do?

A. Make your tummy happy
B. Melt in your mouth, not in your pocket
C. Make you fat
D. Melt your heart
E. Make you popular
F. Melt in your mouth, not in your hand
G. Come in colors

Below are the right answers:

1. D - Wonder Bread
2. G - Cassius Clay
3. B - He Is Us
4. A - Good night, Chet
5. G - When you brush your teeth with Pepsodent
6. D - Maynard G. Krebbs
7. C - Pants On Fire
8. F - The American Way
9. C - It's Howdy Doody Time
10. E - Oh My
11. D - Over 30
12. C - Joe Namath
13. G - A little dab'll do ya
14. G - On Blueberry Hill
15. B - Mary Martin
16. G - John, Paul, George, Ringo
17. D - Who wrote the book of Love
18. B - Cause I eats me spinach
19. A - Smile, you're on Candid Camera
20. F - Melt In Your Mouth Not In Your Hand

BBB

I Liked The Last One

SMART ASS OR DUMB BLOND? #6 -- It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline. 'Would you like dinner?' the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 'What are my choices?' John asked. 'Yes or no,' she replied.

SMART ASS OR DUMB BLOND? #5 -- A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'

SMART ASS OR DUMB BLOND? #4 -- A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, 'Do these turkeys get any bigger?' The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'

SMART ASS OR DUMB BLOND? #3 -- The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the cop said. The kid replied, 'Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.' When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS OR DUMB BLOND? #2 -- A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, 'Low Bridge overhead.' Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.  Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.'

SMART ASS OR DUMB BLOND? WINNER OF THE YEAR -- A college teacher reminds
her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

Two bonus extras: A blond goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, 'May I have 50 Christmas stamps?'  The clerk says, 'What denomination? ' The blond says, 'God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists.'

A woman is standing nude looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

He never heard the shot....

BBB

Humor From Dummies

I love ventriloquists and have since I was a little girl.  Paul Winchell got me started, Wayland Flowers was brilliant without needing to be seen (Madame was risque in a way that she couldn't be today) and Jay Johnson (remember when Jodie hid Bob and Chuck was so desperate that he used a grapefruit to talk instead?) sealed the deal.  Jeff Dunham is talented with an unfortunate tendency to be racist, but Achmed the Dead Terroristdoes crack me up.

So, last night I'm searching through the Netflix watch instantly offerings and I stumble across Terry Fator.  I don't watch reality shows that don't involve cooking so I missed him on something called America's Got Talent.  I don't know who he was up against, but Terry definitely deserved to win.  From Michael Jackson to Patsy Cline the man definitely has talent. As a commenter so aptly pointed out, most of can't even sing with our mouths open.

It occurs to me that I am finally getting the most out of Netflix.  Mom goes to bed early and I slip on the headphones and can watch some of the stuff that I like but mom doesn't.  Isn't technology wonderful?

BBB

Saturday Morning Snickers

The economy is so bad that:

I got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked "Can you afford fries with that?"

CEO's are now playing miniature golf.

If the bank returns your check marked  "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.

Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.

McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.

Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.

A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.

Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.

Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.

The Mafia is laying off judges.

Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.

Congress says they are looking into this Bernard Madoff scandal. Oh Great!! The guy who made $50 Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5 Trillion disappear!

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.

Thanks L

BBB

When I'm Sixty-Four

BBB

Marvin, I Love You

This kid did a pretty good job, considering he wasn't around when the song originally came out.


BBB

Sunday Morning Threesome

The Frisco Kid was always a favorite movie.  Harrison Ford and Gene Wilder were great together and it isn't every day a movie comes along with Yiddish humor.  Oy gevalt!  That being said, it seems that Yiddish have a few pithy sayings and truisms that weren't discussed in polite company and now they are about to be printed.  Again.  "Yiddish Sayings Mama Never Taught You".  I'll bet she didn't.

Der pelts unter dem vaybershn boykh iz dos tayerste futerl.

The pelt under a woman's belly is the world's most expensive furpiece.

Who knew?

The only thing I'm going to say about China's attitude toward black people is this.  I got more respect in Alabama in the seventies.  When I was in acupuncture school I asked one of my Chinese teachers a question and his response was this, "I'm not going to explain it to you, you wouldn't understand."  Not one of those (I can do it to!) teachers gave me anything higher than a B- despite being one of only seven people to pass the intern exams and finishing my patient requirements in six clinic shifts instead of the nine it took most people.  Patients and clinic staff loved me, my Chinese teachers not so much.  I especially liked the way they held their breath when I walked by.  Some of my teachers wanted me to file a complaint but you know what they call the guy who graduates last in medical school?  Doctor.  My 3.69 was good enough for me.

Do you read the People of WalMart?  I have it on the reader and sometimes the pictures make me close my eyes in embarrassment.  For the people in the pictures. And sometimes I just laugh.

BBB

The Story Of My Life

From my friend Linda.  I represent this sentiment.

BBB

Star Trek 2009 Gag Reel

Update:  Boo hoo!  Paramount pulled the clip so I've added this one.  It isn't as good but it's still funny.


Too funny. (I'm leaving it up in case Paramount comes to its senses).



BBB

Sunday Afternoon Humor

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them "gems-in-the-rough," more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars "pay" she'd received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us."

"Oh my goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the house again this week?"

The little girl replied, "I will, if those assholes at Home Depot ever deliver the fuckin' sheet rock..."

BBB

This 'N That

As long as the Republican party continues with it's current teabagging ways, as long as the GOP continues to eliminate or prevent programs that increase the educational and social opportunities of minorities, there will be few minorities who will run for or win political office by identifying themselves as Republicans.

How can you not know that you're fat?  When your clothing consist of flowered prints and the size is followed by at least one X, you're fat.  If you're walking and stop to look at an item and parts of your body are still moving, you're fat.  If you sit in a chair and any part of you spills over the sides, you're fat.  The people around you shouldn't determine whether you are overweight or not, common sense and a mirror should be all you need.

Have you seen the McDonald's map?  The furthest away you will ever be in the contiguous 48 states is 107 miles.  No wonder we're plumping up at an ever increasing rate.

Stephen, Stephen, Stephen.  "Since Aunt Jemima stuck her tongue right in Mrs. Butterworth's flapjack", priceless, absolutely priceless.  Watching you try not to crack up brought back fond memories of Tim Conway and Harvey Korman.

Yup,  I do feel this way about politicians.

Randy Bish, Pittsburgh Tribune Review

BBB

Dumb De Dumb Dumb

Did you see Wolf Blitzer on Jeopardy! Thursday night?  What an idiot and I say that because he didn't know anything.

I've watched Jeopardy! since it was Art James and Don Pardo and this was one of the worst performances I've ever seen by anybody. When they do a Celebrity Jeopardy the answers aren't as difficult as they are during regular play and nowhere near as difficult as Tournament play.  More along the lines of the Kids Tournament whose contestants are between ten and twelve years old.

It was Wolf, Dana Delaney and Andy Richter.  After the first five questions, Andy took off and never looked back.  32 questions correct and 2 wrong.  Dana was pretty accurate, 11 correct and 2 wrong, but Andy was quicker on the trigger and she didn't get much of a chance to give the correct question.  And Wolf?  5 right and 6 wrong.  William Hurt's character in Broadcast News would probably have done better.  Try and convince me the news isn't scripted.

Wolf was negative going in to Final Jeopardy, they gave him a $1000 dollars because it's for charity and he still missed the final question.  Category was Famous Actors and the answer was:

Ironically, he lost the leading role in the 1960 play "The Best Man" because he didn't look presidential.

That has to be the easiest Final Jeopardy answer they've ever had.  And he missed it.  Seriously.  How could anybody over the age of fifteen not know that it was Ronnie Raygun?  Wolfie, did you even bring your thinking cap to the show?  I guess not knowing the definition of irony and being incapable of remembering that only one actor has been elected president would preclude one from using logic to figure out the question.  Plus, he proved he couldn't spell and he didn't know where Jesus was born.

It looks like actors and comedians have as much right to voice their opinions on politics as the newscasters do and with a little more knowledge to back them up.  No wonder the Daily Show and the Colbert Report are considered trusted sources for news.  They may be comedians but at least they know something besides reading from a teleprompter.  I wonder how many people sent Wolfie this.

It should be his new theme song.

BBB

The Joys Of Aging

Time to lighten up and I could use a laugh.


BBB

For Conspiracy Fans

Was the Deathstar the stormtroopers 9/11?  Heck it makes more sense than some of the birthers and truthers.  Plus, if you're a geek, this is pretty funny.

See more funny videos  at CollegeHumor.

One of those voices is pretty familiar but I can't place it.

Don't you love people who have too much time on their hands?
BBB