Neither Does Cheez Wiz

And nobody with any sense eats that crap. Men don't have an expiration date and women do, hmm. I'm past my expiration date and happier than than a pug with forbidden food if this is what I would have had to put up with in order to be considered marriage material.

Salon.com Life | Broadsheet: "Ross thinks Dowd has a bigger problem than disagreeable shrewishness: 'Here's the deal, Maureen,' he writes. 'With one exception, men can accomplish anything that we think is important all by ourselves. Explore, build empires, create new industries, invent, discover, make money -- all these things come naturally to us. We don't need your help.' (What about being cowboys and fixing cars? Why does Ross stop himself at six phallic accomplishments?) The only thing men need help with, he says, is having a family. 'For that, we need a woman ... a woman whose youth and fertility will give us the greatest chance of having healthy children.' These children, Ross feels, must be 'raised by a mother young enough to not be an old woman by the time they reach high school, [not] by a woman that's old enough to be their grandmother.' Here Ross is gathering steam for his thesis statement, which readers will be able to recognize easily thanks to his helpful capitalization:

'WOMEN HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE. MEN DON'T. That's the elephant in your living room, Maureen. You may not like to hear this, but it's true.'

Ross has examples! He writes that any man would choose 19-year-old Maria Sharapova (or comparably 'slutty' 24-year-old Paris Hilton) over 38-year-old crone Pamela Anderson. Why? Oh, John F. Ross, please say it again: 'WOMEN HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE. MEN DON'T.'

This mantra, which would no doubt look great on a T-shirt or possibly a mud flap, also explains, in Ross' mind, why professional men choose 'their secretaries over female lawyers' -- 'because the secretaries are younger and more fertile than the female lawyers.' Apparently, you lose eggs every time you take the bar exam. And secretaries are all in their 20s. When they hit 30 they spontaneously combust."

Of course women aren't the genetic equivalent of Cheez Wiz. We don't expire, we age like a good French Brie, the older we get the more potent the flavor with an accompanying sense of decadent satisfaction. Guys like Ross don't want a family, they want a nubile young thing to "slake their lust" (read that in the comments section of a site justifying rape) in an effort to stave off aging and the uncomfortable realization that they have less time left on this earth than they have already spent in their misbegotten youth. Yeah men did build explore, build empires, create new industries, invent, discover, and make money, the problem with his thinking men don't need womens help is that he forgets that they used slaves instead. Either a woman or a slave did the cooking, packing, laundry, cleaning, gathering, raising children, and any other chore that was considered beneath a "man's" station in life.

I like how he got so worked up over someone who should be a grandmother because it doesn't look good while totatly ignoring (after he brings him up) that while Quinn physically fathered two young children at 82 he didn't really stick around do the whole job, just the fun part. But that's what this is all about isn't it?