As You May Have Guesed

Mom passed away.  It was two weeks and one day ago but I've been too devastated to post.  I have her obituary half finished and just can't seem to pull it together.  October 14, 2010 at 5:25 in the morning. What makes the time so interesting is that is the same time Dad died.

The week before she passed I was frantically trying to locate my brothers to let them know, but only one responded.  K called the day before she died.   K, I want you to know that her face lit up when you were talking to her.  She had this bright inner glow when she heard your voice.  The hearing is the last to go, you were a lucky man.  Thank you for calling, but please don't be a stranger.

I can't believe how much I miss her, we lived together for 33 of my 54 years and now all I have is a big empty space.  Who would have thought that would happen?  I ran away from home and joined the Army when I was 18 and she packed my bags when noticed I was making preparations to leave.  All the anger and resentment I felt being stuck with her as she aged has disappeared.  As with my father the last words we ever spoke to each other were "I love you."

The Friday before she passed I came out of the bathroom and found her on the floor of her room.  It's the only time I didn't hear her fall.  Edie and I gt her back into bed and I called the hospice nurse to let her know.  Mom was staring vacantly off into space and I thought she was leaving then, but all of a sudden her eyes cleared up and she turned and grabbed my arm. She made sure she had eye contact and said "I love you."  I said "I love you too Mom" and she said "No, I LOVE you" and drifted off never to make verbal contact again.  The next thing I knew all six dogs flew into the room and from that point on Sha Shai only left her side to eat and relieve herself.  She stayed with mom until the mortuary people asked if I could move her so they could take mom out of the house.

The hospice people were great, unfortunately their recommendation for the mortuary has inflicted mental trauma and emotional pain in a way that I wasn't expecting.  From the first meeting I expressed the necessity of getting the death certificate as soon as possible so that I could file for a small life insurance policy and pay for her cremation.  I can't afford to take her back to California to bury her, but I can take her ashes and have them interred in Dad's grave.

This past Wednesday I called the funeral place and asked about the death certificate because after being unemployed for so long while I cared for her, I now don't make enough to pay my portion of the rent and other debts at the beginning of November.  That's when the crematorium  told me I had an outstanding balance of $650 that had to be paid before they would release the certificate to me.  The crematorium is holding my mother's body as ransom.  I was stunned.

I have called every agency and support group I could and there is no help out there at this point in time.  I informed the hospice people of what was going on and they were as shocked as I was and the social worker said she had talked to the crematory owner and he would be calling me back.  It's been three days and I've called and left messages to no avail.  I'm about to lose everything and the disrespect to my mother is painful in a way I can barely describe.

On Thursday I borrowed my roommate's car and drove to Carson City to visit the Vital Records Office where I spent $11 of my last $12 and got a certified copy from there and then mailed in the claim form.  It takes 7 - 10 business days for them to resolve the claim and send the money.  Unless I can get extensions on the automatic withdrawals, I will be in trouble before the money reaches me.  And even  then I have to worry about the California tax lien.  The fun never ends.

I'm going to try and have Mom's life story up by the end of the weekend, it's the least I can do.

BBB

Please, Please, Please

N and K it is time to call your mother.  She has had nothing to eat or drink since Friday, has refused all pain meds and exists in a twilight hoping to hear your voices one last time. Even in her semi to mostly unconscious state she has made it clear that she wants to hear from you again.  It may be one lonely tear, but it happens every time we ask her if there is anything else we can do for her.

I beg of you, let bygones be bygones and help the woman who gave you birth, wiped the tears from your eyes when you were young and has loved you every single day that you have been in existence, to hear  your voices again.  Can you please grant her this solace?  The last thing to go is the hearing and all you have to do is let her hear your voice and even if you don't feel it (for which there is no reason I can understand), tell her you love her.  Three eight four nine three four one in the seven seven five area code.

Please?

Update:  Hospice believes that this is why she is still hanging on, she is waiting to hear from you and know that you are alright.  Please just let mom pass on in dignity and peace.  Please.

With A Sad And Heavy Heart

A few weeks ago mom had to be admitted to the hospital by way of the emergency room.  She was suffering from uncontrolled bleeding and had no control over her bowels.  During her one week stay a mass was discovered in her bladder during one of the many tests she was forced to endure.

Since she is eighty years old her wishes and mine were that no extraordinary measures be taken.  She is in the wonderful care of hospice and her treatments are palliative in nature.  I cannot begin to describe the agony I feel.  Every day I watch more of her slip away.  Shai Shai only leaves her side if Shadow is there to keep her company while Shai takes care of her bodily functions.  Hospice feels Mm has a few weeks, but the dogs don't think so and I trust their judgment more.

Mom is barely eating (jello, soup and apple cider), her ability to communicate is extremely diminished and the pain meds keep her in the twilight zone most of the day. Mom may have three children and four grandsons but I'm the only one she sees.  And I can't stress enough how lonely and abandoned both she and I feel.  She was a good mother and doesn't deserve to be thrown out like yesterday's trash.

I'm working on her obituary, but I have no funds to bury her properly or to keep a roof over my head once she''s gone.  I am really going to miss her, I just wish I could strop crying.  What am I going to do without her?

BBB

For My Baby Brother

Mom misses you and I'm worried about you.  You have my email, please use it.  You can come visit us in Reno, mom and I would love to see you.  If you give me a chance you'll see that I really do have your back.  Plus, I would love to see Xeek again.

Please?

Not Dancing Fast Enough

As I'm sure many of you have noticed, I don't post as often as I used to. There are several reasons for this, all negative. I'm tired. Tired of wasting my time pointing out the hypocrisy and stupidity of what passes for politics. Tired of posting about the same issues as very little has changed since I started blogging four years ago and what change there has been has not been for the better. No matter how many times we've been promised "hope and change".

Civil rights are disappearing daily courtesy of a a group of grumpy old men hell bent on returning us to a past where those who aren't like them knew their place. The people's wishes are consistently and constantly ignored by their "representatives" in Congress. Newspapers are disappearing at an alarming rate while so-called reporters piss and moan about a blogger getting to ask the president a question, totally ignoring the fact that reporters haven't done their job in so many years that they have made themselves irrelevant.

Then there is the ex-Vice President who made secrecy his policy while in office, and has used every legal procedure to prevent public knowledge of his activities for the last eight years, is now writing a memoir that will only reflect his point of view and make up facts and ignore the truth to portray the beginning of the 21st century dismemberment of the United States in a glorious light. If he was shorter and his epicanthic folds were different he could be our very own Kim Jong Il but the press likes to ignore those aspects of his character.

I'm tired of taking care of my mother. I have had little to no help and no time off for the last nine years. Unfortunately, she still recognizes me so I'm still holding up my side of the bargain but it becomes more difficult by the minute. Eight years ago I had a thriving practice, could afford to buy a car, go on vacation and pay my rent. Today I wonder how to afford toilet paper because food stamps will cover potato chips but not personal toiletries. I was so broke I sold the car but the person can only make payments so now I'm still destitute but have no transportation. And I still have to pay car insurance until the car is fully paid off but I can't take the dogs to the dog park. The first of the month is going to be a disaster of titanic proportions and I have no resources to ameliorate the situation.

I've tried leaving her for a few hours at a time but the stress isn't worth it. Shopping has become a hit and run affair. The dogs get out, burners are left on high on the stove, she totters around the neighborhood making everybody nervous because they think she is going to fall and if I take her out she deliberately wanders off if I go to the bathroom. Even if I take her to the same place all the time her sense of direction is so impaired that she can't find her way to the front door by herself. I can't put her in a home until I find a job and I can't find a job until I put her in a home.

I'm tired and losing hope faster than Afghani civilians during a surgical air strike. It shames me that the average American citizen won't stand up for their rights as they disappear into the ether yet can cheer on the Tiananmen tank protester or cry for Neda while turning their back on their fellow Americans in trouble as they occupy their time worrying about the latest celebrity divorce or who is going to win the current reality show du jour.



BBB

Wallowing In The Suckiness

Almost every year of my life my birthday has sucked and yesterday was no exception.  The two weeks preceding and the week following are usually an exercise in what can go wrong, does.  Out of 53 birthdays only four have pleasant memories attached, the day is a total waste as far as I'm concerned.

Yesterday started out badly and ended the same way.  I had a couple of dollars stashed away to do something nice for myself but when I went and checked my balance it was zero.  Actually it was less than zero.  Not only did the Franchise Tax Board attach a levy to my account with no notice and no paperwork to me, the Bank of America charged me $100 for processing paperwork I haven't even seen and they said they won't give it back even if the FTB determines that I'm a hardship case. B of A sucks hind tit and if I ever have money again I'm going to a community bank.

So, while I was checking into donating plasma for cash (they advertise in the part time jobs section on Craigslist) someone called about my car for sale.  We chatted, I gave him directions and he said he would be here in half an hour, that was at 12:46 pm.  I'm still waiting.  A few minutes later a woman called and asked about the car and if she could see it today.  I said yes and explained that it was my birthday and that I had things to do.  She said she would be here within the hour and didn't show up until after five. She and her boyfriend looked at the car, said she didn't bring the money with her and could she get back to me in an hour.  I'm still waiting.  Obviously I never made it to the plasma center yesterday which is only delaying the inevitable.

If it wasn't for the computer I wouldn't have had any birthday wishes at all.  KFOG sent me a happy birthday sung by KT Tunstall, AMC offered me a free large drink if I attended the movies but they have no theaters in Nevada, Red Robin sent me a coupon for a free burger, a market survey company sent me a virtual candle and Lance sent me an electronic card.  Neither brother was heard from and mom not only didn't know it was my birthday, but she thought I was born August 19, 1965.  It truly does suck when the woman who gave birth to you doesn't remember when she did it.  It won't be long before she forgets who I am and then I can put her in a home with a clear conscience.

I made dinner, watched some tv and for the first time since my divorce 29 years ago, cried myself to sleep.  For all of about an hour and then I tossed and turned for the rest of the night.  I've never questioned why Blackdog did what he did because I understand all too well how one can be pushed to the edge.  53 years on this planet and I have nothing to show for it except debt that is never going to go away.

Oh yeah, as of yesterday my acupuncture license passed into oblivion and the only thing I have to show for the four years of school is a $100,000 loan that accumulates more interest every second and that I will never earn enough to pay it off.

And the cherry on top?  Nothing has changed for the better in this country since the election.  The names and faces may have changed but the policies are still the same.  Who would have ever thought that Jesse Ventura would be the shining light in today's political landscape?  The only laugh I had yesterday was watching the clip of him on Inanity's show.  If only more politicians had cojones like that I wouldn't fear so much for my country.

I'm going back into hiding now as a smaller target is harder to hit and it will probably be another week before the bad mojo wears off and life can return to some semblance of...whatever. 

BBB

Freakin' Unbelievable!

The out of touch with reality old fogies have struck again.  My take on the Supreme Court determination that the FCC can fine television stations for unplanned "fleeting expletives"?  Fuck 'em!  I hardly ever curse on this blog but I do in real life.  As do most people, especially those under pressure or who have had a little too much to drink.  And have you heard the kids of today?  They learned those words at home, not from watching broadcast television and if they are watching cable that's a parental problem, isn't it?  Hearing the F or S word does not make me think about sex or using the bathroom, they make me think the person was either really surprised or really upset.

"It suffices to know that children mimic the behavior they observe -- or at least the behavior that is presented to them as normal and appropriate," Scalia wrote. "Programming replete with one-word indecent expletives will tend to produce children who use (at least) one-word indecent expletives."

Deadwood was not the issue, Cher and Nicole Ritchie were.  I guess frak" isn't allowed either.  A one off is not a show replete with one word expletives and if children are mimicking the behavior they see on television, then shows such as Survivor, 24, and the Power Rangers shouldn't be allowed.  Or maybe their parents could pay more attention to them and what they're watching so they can explain that it isn't real and life doesn't really work that way.

So, it's okay to penalize a station for unplanned speech by an individual they can't control but not okay to penalize a station for inciting to riot, deliberately spreading falsehoods, encouraging intolerance towards others or lowering the IQ of the nation under the guise of "fair and balanced" news?  What's next boys, strip searching 13 year old girls for Advil without their parents being notified?  That smacks more of pedophiliac sexual tendencies on the part of those who think it's okay than expecting an accidental curse on live television to affect children for the rest of their lives.  Big Brother, indeed.

BBB

I'm Here!

Safely ensconced in our new apartment in Reno. It is beautifully located in an area that the tourists don't visit and convenient to all forms of shopping and living niceties. After I recover I will be able to walk to most of the places I need. Across a very quiet street that is one way until one stop sign from the apartment is an interesting strip mall that contains a pharmacy, my bank, Staples, Coldstone Creamery (thank goodness I'm not fond of ice cream), a Panda Express, a barbecue joint, a McDonalds so old that it still has the original arches, a Vietnamese Noodle house (yippee! I love that stuff) and a pub. I also heard that they are putting in a Smart and Final also. On the same side of the street as we are and right next door is a restaurant supply house. Not bad for picking a place off of Craigslist and renting it sight unseen.

We have a walk-in closet, a huge bathroom (with no heat at all) and a dishwasher in the kitchen. The refrigerator is smaller than my last one but it isn't bad. The big downside in the kitchen is that the cupboards were built for people about a foot taller than me. And as you might guess, all of the tall people who helped me pack didn't understand when I said I needed the step stool to be available when I first got here.

The physical move was a major clusterf*ck . I had wanted to sell my car and rent a U-Haul and then buy a beater with what was left over. Everybody was against the idea and talked me out of it for various reasons. One suggestion was to rent a trailer and tow the stuff behind my car. The day before I was supposed to leave I went to pick up the hitch and it turns out that the moron on the other end of the phone was looking at the hitch ball and there were no hitches in stock. So, I ended up packing my car with as much as I could and putting the rest of our stuff in storage. In a few weeks, after mom is a little more familiar with her surroundings and I can leave her alone, I will make an overnight trip back to San Jose, rent a U-Haul and drive out the rest of our stuff.

The drive itself was absolutely beautiful after we left Sacramento. As we headed into Donner Pass there was a light snowfall but nothing stuck to the road. The trees were dusted with snow and the scenery looked just like all the paintings, spectacular. You could tell when you entered Nevada, the roads are in better condition. The dogs are a little discomforted by the changes and they sniff the air, as opposed to pollution, constantly. Now Shadow follows me even more than usual. I certainly named her right.

When I went to unpack the car, I tried to remove a box from the trunk that had taken two guys to wedge it in (I didn't pack it) and I herniated a disc getting it out. It must have weighed at least 80 lbs. I have a Lidocaine patch on my back but it is only slightly dulling the pain so I've been alternating between trying not to puke and whimpering. One of the things I could do to alleviate the pain is to do some exercises on my exercise ball or use the pain balls to work some pressure points on the muscles but they are, you guessed it, in San Jose. Mom and I don't have any furniture at all so I went and got two inflatable mattresses and a camp chair for mom at Wally World. Then I had to go back and get an air pump because quick did not mean open and the mattresses would inflate. Go figure.

Larry the Cable Guy was here right on time yesterday. I'm joking, his name was Marco, but Ron White will be appearing just down the street at the Peppermill on July 4. Foreigner is going to be there next weekend and Jay Leno performed last night. I think I might have some fun here. :) I shopped at Trader Joe's yesterday and will look for Costco later in the week. I am so excited, it already feels like home.

My landlady is out of town so she said she would come by on Monday and pick up the rent. Things are going to be very tight, not that this is anything new, until I find a job and receive some of the grants for taking care of mom. Her old doctor gave me paperwork with her official diagnoses of Alzheimer's and vascular dementia which will hurry things along. I'm sure things will work out eventually.

Overall this place seems a lot more friendly than where we were and I am looking forward to a new start. Plus, I get to bag on Harry Reid instead of Feinstein and the Governator.

Thanks for all your support.

BBB

The End Of The Saga, I Hope

As most of you know, mom and I have been having an extremely hard time for the last six months.  It has been an ugly roller coaster ride with enough thrills and chills to weaken the knees of the strongest of people.  To this day I still have no idea why my landlord decided that mom and I didn't deserve to live in this dump of a park but child molesters, meth addicts and prostitutes do.  I have made myself ill trying to figure it out and finally came to the conclusion that I just don't care anymore.

We're supposed to be out on the 29th of March but the downstairs apartment that I found in Reno we won't be able to afford (first, security, pet deposit) and it won't be ready until May 1st so my current landlord will just have to wait until the lease is legally up.  Or he can go through the process of taking me to court, whichever makes him feel like more of a man.  I'm betting that he starts the court process, which is his right, but he's going to look pretty stupid after he has to acknowledge that the only reason I owe him any money is because he refused to take it three separate times, then changed his mind and hit me with three separate pay or quit notices.  Which I paid.  Then he hits me with 30 day notices.  I don't know what he thought I was going to do, pay double rent during the same month and leave quietly?

I'm taking a chance with one of the places that I found on Craigslist.  The owner and I have the same name, are only a few months apart in age and she has this idea that the economy sucks and that most people's credit reports don't look very good so she isn't checking them.  I told her my credit was bad, that my manager would give me a good recommendation and that the dogs are well behaved.  They don't normally have pets in the complex but she will allow them for us.  Thank goodness.

Hopefully between my nephew's pickup, my car that needs the $1K tuneup (platinum spark plugs and you have to take half the engine off to get to where they're located but an oil change is only $30) and my friend's Tahoe, we should be able to get everything important from point A to point B.

Both mom and the dogs are going to be pretty disoriented by the move, this is to be expected.  Elderly people with dementia don't adapt as readily to big changes and the dogs are going to be in a completely different environment.  Me?  I just have to worry about the logistics (electricity, tv for mom, etc.), the budget and finding a job when I get there.  Fortunately the complex seems to have a few elderly people, maybe mom can make a few friends and I'll be able to find a job that will allow me to support myself after she's gone so that I won't have to face this load of trouble again.

Nevada doesn't recognize my acupuncture license from California so there's five years of school and $100K down the drain.  Sometimes the only reason I think I have the degree is so I can help my mom and advocate for my friends when they're in the hospital and answer all the medical questions on Jeopardy.  Oh well, I have other skills that are just as useless, it's time to develop some new ones.

After the loss of Blackdog a few weeks ago I did some hard thinking that was reinforced by the recent unfortunate passing of Natasha Richardson.  My life isn't perfect by any stretch of the imagination but at least my eyes are open, I still experience a sense of wonder at new experiences and there is hope on the horizon.  What more could anyone ask for?

Other than for my current landlord to chill out, for mom to be able to handle the move in good health, that I accidentally find a chunk of money to help with the move and for nothing else to go wrong.

Thanks for sticking by me, hopefully I can get back to what really makes me happy; making caustic observations about the media, politics and whatever else interests me at that moment.

BBB

On A Personal Note, Partt II

As most of you know, life hasn't been going so well. The housing situation continues to deteriorate, someone has been poisoning the dogs in the neighborhood as well as trying to cut the neck of youngest dog who is never out the yard, my favorite Blackdog decided on Monday that the payoff in life wasn't worth the pain and trauma , my health has taken a serious turn for the worse, I caught two "friends" lying to me as they think I'm too stupid to notice that their stories weren't consistent and in both instances information came back to me through separate sources who could only have found out by these two repeating private information , and my family thinks that all I have to do is twitch my nose and everything will be all better.

Mom (the old lady with vascular dementia and the beginnings of Alzheimer's, the one they are going to take away from me unless I find us a new home) has thrown away more of my clothes so I'm down to a few jeans, some old tee shirts and very little underwear, the dogs will be out of food next week and the payday loan I stupidly took out to pay the last trumped up notice from my landlord is coming due in two days and I forgot to turn in my time card. Meanwhile mom and I are still being evicted with no explanation. I just talked with someone in the park who is two months behind on their rent and they don't even have a notice. As do neither the practicing prostitute nor the three child molesters.

Our rent was paid until they stopped taking it, when we didn't leave right away someone stuck nails in the sides of three of my tires on the same night and now we have an influx of mice out of nowhere. Can we say harassment? I have no running water to take care of my plants because there was an underground pipe break in the yard and they used my garden hose as a substitute pipe and then made me pay the extra hundred dollars in the water bill. The break was in December and they refuse to fix anything in the place until we're gone. This is a major mistake on their part because I have pictures that I will show the judge and it is going to cost them so much money to fix what's broken that they can't possibly make their money back for at least three years. I almost, but not quite, feel sorry for them.

One brother is still MIA (coming up on a year, mom is just another responsibility he's avoiding) and the other is so stressed that he can't help and his suggestions apply more to strangers than to family. If we move out of California Mom loses some medical benefits and I lose all of mine but we can't afford to stay here. It is impossible to live in California for less than $2000 a month and at this point we are well short of that.

I can't do what Blackdog did and I certainly understand why he felt the need, but if a car spun out in front of me I doubt seriously if I would move out of the way. Unless I thought it was going to hurt and then I might think about mitigating the damage.

I hate to do it but I had to put a donation button back up. I know that no one can help us get out of California at the moment but I'm literally down to my last $18 and don't expect to receive any more until around the 25th. I'm just so glad I grew up and went back to school. Too bad it only made things worse. If I stayed at Universal Studios I could have one of those false retirement pensions like lots of other people who put in twenty to thirty years at the same company.


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Listening to: Johnny Hates Jazz - Shattered Dreams

Leaving Hotel California

Who would have thought that mom and I would trade California for fly over country?  Ms. Mule made me an offer I can't refuse, it's the only positive way to change my situation and we can't afford San Jose anymore.  Besides, this place is butt ugly and I've always hated it.

Later today I'll start running around like a crazy woman, buying boxes, sorting and packing.  My goal is to be on the road in less than two weeks.  Any move I make is going to be hard on mom and the stress of the last few months has about done me in so I might as well go for broke.  I'm trying to arrange times for my brothers to see mom one last time but schedules are difficult and reaching one of them is impossible.

The trip is going to be hard on the dogs but I'm sure that mom and I can manage this.  According to the Google taking the southern route is only two hours longer than the northern route and over three to four days it shouldn't make much difference. The northern route would be prettier but the southern route is likely to be safer in the wintertime.  Though I have to admit that on that same route I hit a patch of black ice during a freak snowstorm at the end of April a couple of years ago.  Did you know that frost on greenery lining the highway looks like cauliflower when you are spinning around at 70 mph? What a fun time that was.

I've spent most of the morning looking at renting a truck online, Budget is the cheapest, Penske is cheap and after the AAA discount will probably be competitive with Budget but the dropoff will be a pain, Uhaul is convenient on both ends but the most expensive. It's sad to say but everything I want to keep will probably fit into a 10' truck.  At least it will be easy to drive and gets the best gas mileage.

Next project, finding dog friendly motels.

BBB

Is It Over Yet?

The coronation I mean inauguration, feels like it's taking as long as the election did.  Isn't there anything else going on in the world besides what's happening in the US?  Real science instead of infotainment.  Cool.

Must have only asked the rich ones because the majority are in no way, shape or form living the dream or have any possibility of achieving it on an individual level.  Especially in a country where you can be handcuffed, lying face down and still get shot in the back.  Breathing while black is still dangerous and will remain so for many more years.

Shades of the Iran hostage release.  Of course they do.  There is no guarantee that Obama might find the use of phosphorus bombs and blowing up schools and UN buildings to be the proper way to force one's enemies back to the stone age they've never had a chance to leave.

And if you don't want to join the military because it's the only "job" in town, if you wait just a little while there should be an explosion in prison guard jobs.  This country will not go peacefully into its economic ice age.

Meetings are a waste of time.  Gee, anyone (except the bosses) having suffered through more than one  could have told them that.  I wonder what the next news to anybody with a functioning brain blurb will be.

There's a plot on Lost and it makes sense?  Wow.  The Smoke Monster wasn't just a stray plot device?  I quit watching halfway through the second season, the Tailies drove me nuts.  Specifically that Rodriguez woman.  Her character didn't die soon enough to make me continue watching.

I can go along with that.  Unfortunately what's been lost over the years has been giving people the skills to do for the country.  If schools aren't getting through to kids by teaching them to read, write, color, lay music, do simple math and learn to think for themselves, then the likelihood of being able to do good for your country drops proportionally (hopefully not geometrically) and since you can't contribute, you are reduced to taking.  Whether it be soup lines, welfare or the recent latest craze, stealing from your investors, the same lack of civil charity is not on their radar. 

I'm still fighting to stay on the bottom rung of the greased ladder because if I get knocked off the down becomes an abyss.   Trying to work my way back up means that I leave mom alone for too long and all kinds of weird things happen, such as things important to me go missing and are sometimes never found.  This friend of mine with a psych background finds mom's behaviors and answers to be quite humorous but admits it isn't humorous to be living through it. Maybe in a few years.

BBB

Surprise, Surprise, Surprise

I haven't been able to post for the last several mornings, I'm going to have to change my schedule around.  These have been percolating in draft form so since I can't do anything at the moment,  I decided to post them now.

It's amazing what posting a little data and threatening to sic the police on a black man will do.  Mom tells me that baby bro stopped by.  For a whole hour.  For someone supposedly so smart, he missed the point by a mile.  I don't care if sees me again, I don't care if he contacts me again, the mission was for him to spend time with his mother and give her a little respect.  He snuck in while I was out running around and as far as I'm concerned, the mission was accomplished.  Unlike the dodo we hopefully have leaving the White House in six five days.

Michael Chiklis must have a stroke every time Joe the Plumber opens his mouth and spits out more unintelligent garbage by the second, Vic Mackey realizes he has another dangerous leak in the department.  At least when Bruce Willis lookalike Jerry Doyle opened his mouth something intelligent came out, like how to make money by saving or using the stock market (his former job) to get ahead.  Plus, Jerry Doyle actually ran for office and I can ignore the friendship with Michael Savage.  We all have friends we want to hide from time to time.  I have one right now where we are pretending that the Gazans aren't being killed just because Israel has the power and some member of Hamas might lob an inefficient missile at a town with bomb shelters instead of hospitals, UN refugee centers and schools like the Israelis do.  I guess Joe the Plumber believes that if there is no reporting, there are no war crimes.

Still babbling and in a few weeks he will expect to collect fees for his utterings.  Hope he has as much luck as his buddy Gonzales at trting to support his lavish lifestyle after he leaves office.   Should have done what his buddy Dick did.  Halliburton, KBR, etc.  He would have more millions in the bank by now.

Don't Know What To Do

I guess I could file a missing person's report with the police but I'm really hoping to avoid that. Mom must have dialed Keith's number at least five times on Christmas and New Year's and listened to the recording that said that number was no longer in service. How can someone be so cruel to their own mother? Especially a mother who never beat him (no matter how many times he deserved it), gave him her last dime to buy candy from the ice cream truck, and is willing to forgive him anything.

Keith, is this really what you want? To lose your mother and not find out for days, weeks or years because you let your pride get in the way? You won't know where she is buried or if I had her cremated because I couldn't afford anything else so you can pay your last respects. Which is kind of funny since you haven't paid her any respect at all in so many years that I've forgotten what it was you did.

How do you live with yourself? I've always thought you were the fragile one in the family and usually try to avoid hurting your feelings because I thought you might hurt yourself. Every day that goes by without your communicating with her makes me care less and less.

Please grow up before it's too late.

Dear Keith 2

Wouldn't calling your mother be easier?

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Dear Keith

Dudder, dudder, ding!(Old family joke.)  Time's up!

Keith Edwin R****** was born on 8/1/1961 in a USAF hospital at Evreux Air Force Base in France.  He is the youngest of three children and the most irresponsible, which I suppose go hand in hand if you believe in that birth order thing. He has two sons (I hear one of them made it into an Ivy League school) that the rest of the family has no idea where they are or what they are doing. Just like their father.

They show as little respect for their grandmother as their father does for his mother. Somehow, this is not surprising. This is not a black thing, this is a spoiled brat who for the last few years hasn't had the world go his way. I have not one iota of sympathy since my whole life has been like that and I still manage to respect my mother and I try to do the right thing.

Nineteen years ago, Keith decided that he was going to show my father who was boss. He didn't talk to him for a year until I interfered (is that my role?) and got them to talk on the phone. I used the excuse that his father could drop dead at any moment and he was wasting time that could never be recovered. They finally talked and seven months later our father dropped dead of a heart attack at 60.

So once again, here I go. You don't owe your mother money (actually you do but we are willing to forgive that debt) so quit treating her like a creditor. Give her a call using the instructions I wrote earlier or even more personal stuff will be revealed, because unlike you I have nothing left to lose.

Remember when you were three and kissed Karen in the baby pool? I know other assorted details of your life that you would prefer to forget so you had best get to calling your mom before it's too late.

For He Who Must Not Be Named

Voldemort, I do not care that you aren't speaking with me or your brother, I do care that you are not speaking with your mother.  I also realize that you probably don't know who Voldemort is, but I promise you that if you do not call your mother by the end of Christmas day, I will publish (and I write on several sites) every bit of personal detail that I know about you.  This will include things such as your real name, which unfortunately will let others know my name, all birth data and anything else that I can lay my hands on.  I will publish personal memories, I will publish your shoe size, I don't care.

I watch what is left of our mother and she is hurting.   She loves you very much.  You are her baby, but that is no reason for a man of 47 to act like one.  She rarely answers her phone anymore because she only takes personal calls.  You will have to speak loudly, something you do quite well when needed, and sometimes rephrase what you say so her brain has a chance to process it.  You will have to be patient, not one of your best qualities, but do your best.  I will not interfere unless she asks for help, sometimes she has difficulty finding the right words.  Please try and attain a total talking time of ten minutes, she deserves that much.

I'm not kidding around here.  You may not be Tom Riddle, but the day after Christmas quite a few people will know that you are ***** ******* and that you don't treat your mother with respect.  Or love.

And yes, I do know that you read my blog at least once, and sometimes twice, a week.

Merry Christmas!

I Guess I'm An Orphan Now

After months of no phone calls, either initiated or returned, I must assume that my brothers are dead, my nephews forgot they had a grandmother and mom is all I have left. And more than likely, not for much longer.

One son has made no attempt to talk to his mother since Mother's day and the other one is probably still pissed that I finally pointed out the obvious. He wishes she was gone, that it was all over and everyone could just get on with their exciting lives since the parents who treated us better than most, made sure that we got to see more than just the United States and didn't have a dime to leave us because they worked for a living, are finally no more.

And people worry that two members of the same sex getting married to each other will break up the fabric of the family.

Isn't family wonderful?

Why is it that I feel like the failure?

BBB

Tales Of Woe

My sentiments exactly.  When I saw the article yesterday about Michelle Obama being only interested in getting her kids settled and that she isn't going to have a seat at the decision table, I thought, "wow, she has had to give up everything that made her who she is and settle for picking the drapes."  She isn't an extension of her husband, she is a person in her own right.  If she had wanted to be a stay at home mom, she would have done it earlier in her career.  And as one commenter pointed out, if Hillary had been elected what role would Bill be playing right now?  It certainly wouldn't be as the interior decorator, clothes horse or chief babysitter.  America is so far behind the times when it comes to gender equality that I doubt we will ever catch up to the rest of the world.

Dumb-dee-dumb dumb.   To say they weren't the sharpest knives in the drawer is putting it mildly.  I'm sure the KKK would like to disavow all knowledge.

I'm desperately looking for a place I can afford here in San Jose and having no luck at all.  99% of the ads for places under a thousand dollars have been either preforeclosure homes or a variation of this letter.

It is a great pleasure that to you are interested in my Place.Thanks for your email and it is my gladness to hearing you I am a Single Christain Father, With no kid, My Wife, Pass by Last 4 Month  (got dead). Due to the Fatal Accident we Had she got Dead, and I got Dislocation on my Legs and Hand, My name is Pastor Rev Benard Glott The Owner of the 2 bedroom home and its located @ 3665 Benton Street, Santa Clara, CA 95051 I am presently in West Africa due to my transfer that makes me leave the house and also want to give it out for rent and looking for a responsible person that can take very good care of it as I am not after the money for the rent but want it to be clean at the time and the person that will rent it to take it as if it were its own. So for now, i am here in west Africa, My new house and put all my worries off concerning the maintenance of the apartment  for, since i am not residing there for now.I left behind some Facilities and electonics which include the rent, and a DVD player, air conditioning, alarm system. The kitchen is fully equipped with all necessary cooking utensils, arefrigerator-freezer, four-hob and oven, microwave,dishwasher and washing machine, My Computer Connected with Internet Acess Also the keys to the House are right here with me, and the lease document. Which i can send to you after all necessary agreement has be accepted. Also i will like you to know that the rent charges is not really the issue ,but your absolute maintenance of my apartment is most important thing so will want you to get back to me with the Application form below.

And here is one of the many variations.

We are so much excited. My name is Jeff Garza the owner of the apartment and also want you to know that it was due to my transfer that makes me and my wife and little daughter to leave the apartment and also want to give it out for rent and looking for a responsible person that can take very good care of it while we are not at the state as we are not after the money for the rent but want it to be clean at the time and the person that will rent it to take it as if it were its own. So for now, we are here in West Africa, our new house and put all my worries off concerning the maintenance of the apartment for, since i am not residing there for now. I left behind some Facilities and electonics which include the rent, DVD player, air conditioning, alarm system. The kitchen is fully equipped with all necessary cooking utensils, refrigerator-freezer, four-hob and oven, microwave, dishwasher and washing machine, my computer connected with Internet access also the keys and document of the apartment are right here with us in West Africa, and the lease document. Which i can send to you after all necessary agreement has been accepted. Also i will like you to know that the rent charges is not really the issue, hope you are okay with the price of $699 per month including utilities like water, gas, heat laundry facilities, air condition and so on, but your absolute maintenance of my apartment is most important thing, if you are really interested in renting this apartment get back to me so that i can forward you an application form for you to fill so that i can start all necesary arrangement asap.  Here is the apartment address :   347 Massol Ave, Los Gatos, CA 95030, USA   ..... Pls note that you will be viewing the apartment from outside and won't be able to inspect because the keys and document to the apartment are with me here in africa and. It is located on a cool, quiet and safe neighbourhood.

I've received about fifteen of these responses so far.  Meanwhile, my landlord is taking me to court and that will prevent me from renting anywhere else in the future.  I don't have a clue as to what to do.  The effects of moving on mom will be bad enough, moving her to another state would be disastrous besides being fiscally impossible  Her doctor doesn't think she should go into a care facility yet and adult protective services told me not to move her until we have a solid place to stay.  For the first time in my life I am having anxiety attacks and they are as far from fun as you can get.  I know that I'm hyperventilating and that lack of oxygen is what causes my vision to go dark, but it is really hard to get my breathing to slow down when my heart is beating abnormally fast.  All I can say is that this situation sucks and I need help.

Oh yeah, and now my internet connection is slower than dial up (ten minutes to load a page, the signal keeps dropping) and I can't get anything done.  I can hardly wait for the next shoe to drop.

BBB


Update:  The manager came over and made me an offer to extend the time until February 15th, as long as I can come up with a $1000 in three days.  I'm thinking of selling my car, but then I wouldn't be able to get to work at all the places I have to be since the bus service isn't all that great.  And certainly not within the time frame that my job requires.  But I'll do it in order to stay here for a few more months and keep a roof over mom's head.  They say that when one door closes another opens.  Unfortunately I think I'm stuck in a real world variation of Cube.

The Plan So Far

On Tuesday, Nov 4th, mom and I will vote and then we will move the last of our belongings to the car, have our mail forwarded to a P.O Box and move into a homeless shelter.  Yes, I know it isn't the best plan, but at this point it's all I can come up with.  Rents in the area are more than we can afford, mom can't get into a decent nursing home and very few places will let us have two dogs.   Plus, my credit sucks.

It is important that mom stay in the area because she has convenient medical care,  knows where she is most of the time, and has benefits that would be stopped if we leave the county and she would have to qualify all over again.  As it is, she is going to have a hard time orienting herself in a new living situation.

It also seems that we will qualify for housing help if we don't have a place to stay, so if I can't find a place that we can afford, we can hang out with other people who also can't afford to live in the area.  It doesn't make sense to me either.  Somehow when I moved up here I never thought that this would happen.

I haven't been able to post because one, I'm depressed and two, I've been frantically looking for a place to stay and a way to make money that won't leave mom alone all day.   So far I've had no luck with either of my two projects.  If anybody knows of a safe place we can live in San Jose, I would appreciate you letting me know.  The absolute last thing a person with dementia needs is to live in a homeless shelter.  Mom needs a quiet environment that she is comfortable with so she can live out her last days in peace.

And I need a break so we can get back on our feet.

BBB