January Tongue In Cheek Award

You would think something unimportant was going to be said during the State of the Union from all the editorials floating around.

The Truth According to Me:
1. First and foremost, while State of the Union speeches belong to the genre of nonfiction, they are inevitably a personal, subjective recounting by the president. (Could FDR really prove that 'the only thing we have to fear is fear itself'?) I have made every effort, however, to verify the accuracy of each statement with the assistance of White House staff, in between their duties responding to subpoenas. Some discrepancies are inevitable due to the vagaries of memory, complex accounting standards of the Congressional Budget Office and the poor audio quality of NSA wiretaps.

2. Some errors appear to be innocent mistakes in copy-editing. Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has alerted me that the line, 'No person is above the law' should instead be 'One person is above the law.' My comment that 'we have carefully listened to critics of our domestic surveillance program' should have read 'listened in on . . .'

3. The figures cited for wetlands restoration include net gains resulting from new wetlands in areas formerly occupied by the polar icecaps.

You don't say.

6. In the spirit of bipartisanship, I included the Clinton period in calculating the "24 million jobs we have created through the end of 2005." The figures for 2001-05 are smaller. Whether they are smaller by "a lot" or a "whole lot" is open to interpretation.

That was my favorite. Everythiing is open to interpretation, we just don't seem to be able to find the right interpreters.

So, will Iran be nuclear or nukler?

Update: I hear the word for the state of the union drinking game will be "necessary", draw your own conclusions. Fortunately I have to go earn money and have a legitimate reason for missing tonight's standup routine.

Tags: Bush, David Atkins, state of the union,