Friday, October 29, 2010

As You May Have Guesed

Mom passed away.  It was two weeks and one day ago but I've been too devastated to post.  I have her obituary half finished and just can't seem to pull it together.  October 14, 2010 at 5:25 in the morning. What makes the time so interesting is that is the same time Dad died.

The week before she passed I was frantically trying to locate my brothers to let them know, but only one responded.  K called the day before she died.   K, I want you to know that her face lit up when you were talking to her.  She had this bright inner glow when she heard your voice.  The hearing is the last to go, you were a lucky man.  Thank you for calling, but please don't be a stranger.

I can't believe how much I miss her, we lived together for 33 of my 54 years and now all I have is a big empty space.  Who would have thought that would happen?  I ran away from home and joined the Army when I was 18 and she packed my bags when noticed I was making preparations to leave.  All the anger and resentment I felt being stuck with her as she aged has disappeared.  As with my father the last words we ever spoke to each other were "I love you."

The Friday before she passed I came out of the bathroom and found her on the floor of her room.  It's the only time I didn't hear her fall.  Edie and I gt her back into bed and I called the hospice nurse to let her know.  Mom was staring vacantly off into space and I thought she was leaving then, but all of a sudden her eyes cleared up and she turned and grabbed my arm. She made sure she had eye contact and said "I love you."  I said "I love you too Mom" and she said "No, I LOVE you" and drifted off never to make verbal contact again.  The next thing I knew all six dogs flew into the room and from that point on Sha Shai only left her side to eat and relieve herself.  She stayed with mom until the mortuary people asked if I could move her so they could take mom out of the house.

The hospice people were great, unfortunately their recommendation for the mortuary has inflicted mental trauma and emotional pain in a way that I wasn't expecting.  From the first meeting I expressed the necessity of getting the death certificate as soon as possible so that I could file for a small life insurance policy and pay for her cremation.  I can't afford to take her back to California to bury her, but I can take her ashes and have them interred in Dad's grave.

This past Wednesday I called the funeral place and asked about the death certificate because after being unemployed for so long while I cared for her, I now don't make enough to pay my portion of the rent and other debts at the beginning of November.  That's when the crematorium  told me I had an outstanding balance of $650 that had to be paid before they would release the certificate to me.  The crematorium is holding my mother's body as ransom.  I was stunned.

I have called every agency and support group I could and there is no help out there at this point in time.  I informed the hospice people of what was going on and they were as shocked as I was and the social worker said she had talked to the crematory owner and he would be calling me back.  It's been three days and I've called and left messages to no avail.  I'm about to lose everything and the disrespect to my mother is painful in a way I can barely describe.

On Thursday I borrowed my roommate's car and drove to Carson City to visit the Vital Records Office where I spent $11 of my last $12 and got a certified copy from there and then mailed in the claim form.  It takes 7 - 10 business days for them to resolve the claim and send the money.  Unless I can get extensions on the automatic withdrawals, I will be in trouble before the money reaches me.  And even  then I have to worry about the California tax lien.  The fun never ends.

I'm going to try and have Mom's life story up by the end of the weekend, it's the least I can do.



  1. So sorry Deb. You are a wonderful daughter and I'm sure your Mom was very proud of you. At least her suffering has ended, and now you can recover your life. Unbelievable the attitude of the crematorium. Tacky and heartless doesn't even begin to describe it.
    I have no doubt your life will start to get better now. A new beginning and all that.
    I'm glad one of your brothers came to his senses in time to say goodbye.
    Take care Deb
    Rick J

  2. I am so sorry Deb. I have had a link to your page on mine for a long time but have not been over to check on you until today, and now I feel ashamed.

    I can only say you impressed me with your writing and I wanted to connect in some way with you.

    I wish you joy and peace. I know you loved your Mom and that's all that matters in the end.

  3. Only when you drink from the river of silence shall you indeed sing.
    And when you have reached the mountain top, then you shall begin to climb.
    And when the earth shall claim your limbs, then shall you truly dance. -- Gibran