Monday, February 04, 2008

Almost Bit The Big One, The Saga Continues

Last night after the big game, go Giants yeah!, I had to call the police on someone who was out of control and suspected of having a knife. While I was trying to answer the officer's questions, I had a full blown asthma attack. It was so bad that the paramedics abandoned the person they were working on and immediately threw me into the ambulance, hooked me up to oxygen and gave me two breathing treatments while transporting me to the emergency room.

I can't tell you how much this sucked, but I'm sure you can imagine the sound of my checking account sinking all the way to China. The Giants were the only bright spot in my day. When I had left the bar (1 margarita) just after the Patriots made their last touchdown and everyone was gloating at how wrong I was, all I said was Heidi. I tried to explain it, but nobody believed me. I'll bet they never forget it now.

Anyhow, back to the personal trauma and drama. Nothing they tried at the emergency room worked. I had three more breathing treatments and the only thing that changed was that my heartbeat wouldn't stay out of the fat burning zone (according to the chart at the gym I should have lost weight since it stayed in the zone for over eight hours), my head was pounding as if someone was trying to build a house from the inside and I had the shakes like a diabetic who had forgotten to eat and was on their way to passing out.

After having worked on me for over seven hours, three doctors, an untold number of nurses, one respiratory therapist and chest x-rays (very healthy), I asked them if maybe they could take care of the cough, which was long, unproductive and extremely disturbing to listen to, pus it made my head and chest hurt. I kid you not, they thought I was joking, but they were ready to try anything at this point.

I'm allergic to morphine, codeine, tylenol, ibuprofen and almost every pain reliever except aspirin. Guafnesin, dextrommethorphan, honey and lemon made no difference to the cough (a reflex action I couldn't stop). Back when I could take codeine, my coughs could be controlled. After much research, they finally decided on something called Tessalon perles. It took about an hour to work, I stopped coughing and breathing became easier, so they let me come home. I'm off to pick up my new prescriptions (4!) including prednisone (which gives me the auditory and visual hallucinations I never had on certain illegal substances back in my youth, but I am rather fond of breathing so I'll take it) and hopefully my head will stop pounding and I'll be able to breathe better. My breathing is so noisy I couldn't sneak up on a deaf rabbit. I did make the respiratory therapist laugh though. What do you find in a clean nose? ...Fingerprints.

The concept of paying rent has disappeared for this month but didn't Tom Petty just rock the Super Bowl halftime?


Oh yeah, I changed my mind, I'm going to vote after all. For Hillary. It's probably not going to help but at least I can keep bitching with a clean conscience. Her health care plan needs work and the argument that there would be two Presidents (both of whom are really smart), shouldn't bother anyone or they really haven't been paying attention to the last seven years of Bush and Cheney. Look what they've done without the smarts.

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